Sunshine Chaos & Love

** Trigger warning ** This post will be covering death, grief, and mourning. If this will bother you, please wait until the next post. If you need help, please use any of my resources I’ve listed on my services page. 

Grief: noun – a cause of such suffering 

Mourning: noun – the act of sorrowing 

Sorrow: noun – a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others 

These three words can describe many things but one thing for sure is death. Death is inevitable for mankind. It truly doesn’t matter who you lose, there will always be a reaction. There will always be an emotion. You are the only one who determines how those happen. One thing we can’t control is the grief, mourning and sorrow we feel. We can’t control how long those continue to affect us and we can’t control how we go through it. We all do it differently.  

This is on my mind heavy tonight as I watched my five-year-old son cry his little eyes out because he misses his papa. Papa passed away almost two years ago, and it broke my son’s soul. I’m not just saying that because he was four at the time. I’m saying that because I knew that it would be hard for my son to lose him. From day one, he looked up to his papa for everything. He loved every moment with papa. He loved his hugs, his stories, his expressions, his experiences, and just being around him.  

In these last two years, I’ve held my son while he’s cried uncontrollably. I’ve cried with him because his little heart is just so broken. There are days when he wakes up and he tells me that papa was in his dream and gave him a big ole hug. We remember him by keeping photos up around the home and keeping photos locked away to have forever. We remember him by stories he told us and just keeping his memory alive.  

Papa was hands down one of the best men I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing in my lifetime. I didn’t know him for as long as I wish I could, but the time I did have with him I will always keep close to my heart. I will cherish every moment. He was my father figure and to be frank, he treated me like his own daughter and loved me without any second thoughts. I remember the first-time papa held my son. His face just lit up and there was just so much love. Watching this big-tall man hold this little, tiny baby was just the sweetest moment.  

We all knew they’d be close as soon as I found out I was having a boy. Papa had big plans to do all these things with him. Life had different plans.  

In June of 2023, Papa was in a nursing home trying to get better so he could come home. It was Father’s Day coming up and I had found the perfect card for him. The kids and I went to visit him, and Nana was there as well. He asked me to read the card to him and as I read it, Nana and Papa both cried from the words I wrote. I told him, “You are the closest thing I have to a father, and I am not ready to lose you.” He gave me a huge hug and kissed me on the forehead. He told me how much he loved me and the babies, and we left it at that.  

Four months later, I was pulling into a wedding venue for my children’s Aunt’s wedding, and my phone rang. It showed their dad’s name, and my stomach dropped. He only called me when things weren’t great with his dad. He said, “Karla, he’s gone.” I’ve never felt so weak and hurt and awful all at the same time. I was in denial. I told him that there is no way and it can’t be true. He said, “Karla… but he is.. “I fell to my knees and cried so hard. You know that ugly Cry when you can’t breathe and you are just in so much pain? That was the kind. I wasn’t ready to lose him. None of us were.  

That is one thing about death that is so hard to wrap my head around. We all selfishly wanted him to stay with us. To be here and watch our children grow and be there at the holiday dinners. To guide us through all the obstacles life threw at us. Even at 76 years old, we wanted more time. Even though we knew he was struggling with his health. We knew he was the ‘old man’ in the family. We knew he wasn’t in any more pain, and we knew how much he loved every single one of us. He knew how much he meant to so many people.  

Attending his funeral was one of the hardest things we have ever gone through as a family. Watching Nana fall apart the way she did because the love of her life was gone was enough to cripple anyone.  

Who are we to judge others who mourn? People love others differently, and how they loved them is the key to how the mourning process will go. I personally think of this man every single day. I mean that with everything I have. Who are we to judge how one’s grief is acceptable, and others aren’t? I’m a firm believer that who you are as a person reflects how others remember you and mourn you. Randy Travis said it best, “It’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you. It’s what you leave behind you when you go.” 

Happy Heavenly Birthday to the man who changed all our lives. We love you forever and ever, amen.